Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Shame and Non-Shame

I struggle with intense feelings of shame and self-hatred in many ways, so much so that I feel like they're the core of who I am. Although I have immense compassion for other people, I'm not actually sure that self-compassion is a thing that I'm capable of experiencing let alone practicing. I'm aware that feelings of shame and self-loathing are common in people who have experienced significant trauma (especially repeated trauma). If you also experience these feelings, please know that you're not alone and this is normal. There are treatments available. I'm doing what I can to work on those issues. Only time will tell if they really are the "core" of who I am or can be replaced with a kinder relationship to myself.

Yet I want to write today about the ways in which I'm not ashamed.

I'm not ashamed to be a person who has experienced trauma. I'm also not ashamed to be someone who is experiencing a mental health condition. Moreover, I'm not ashamed of being part of a broad category of people who are often defined by their vulnerability (e.g., those experiencing a chronic health condition, and/or those experiencing chronic discrimination and stigma of any kind).

The reason I'm not ashamed of these characteristics, despite the intense stigma that often accompanies them in our society, is not because I've magically found some source of self-love and pride within myself to draw on. It's because I see other people who experience all the above, and am just so proud to get to speak as one voice among them.

When we're open to seeing the inherent, sometimes extreme, vulnerability in the human condition, we become capable of seeing so much beauty in the people around us who do the best they can (in their own unique ways) in the face of it. That's why, no matter how much shame I feel for myself as an individual, that shame never extends to what I have in common with others who have suffered.

So if you're reading this, and identify as someone who has been vulnerable in the above (or other) ways, please know that no matter how much shame I personally feel, I'm never ashamed of the ways in which I'm like you. Whether you've "overcome" your pain with "resilience" or continue to struggle with it, I'm proud to see myself in solidarity with you and to be able to say so publicly.

When I took time away from practice, I had a choice. I could have gone away quietly, sharing with no one the reasons for my need to take time away. Protections existed to ensure that few people would have to know what I was dealing with.

But ultimately that's not what I wanted. Although I feel fear and worry about the stigma and judgment that I might face due to my self-identification as someone who has been traumatized and who now experiences a mental health condition as a result, I don't feel ashamed of it.

To the extent that I'm able to speak up in my own feeble limited way for those of us who have experienced trauma, mental health conditions, and/or vulnerability of any kind, I'm proud to be able to do so.

It doesn't displace my own feelings of shame and self-loathing. Those are monsters I'll have to fight on my own for the foreseeable future, if not my entire life. But it has helped me a lot to look that shame in the eye and declare what it doesn't cover. I feel deep shame that won't go away, but not for this. I won't let it undermine my sense of solidarity with and loyalty to others who are vulnerable, whether they handle it like I do, or in some other way.

So all that is just to say that even though I don't feel compassion and pride for myself, that doesn't mean I can't experience it for you. I may not care for myself in the ways I should, but that doesn't stop me from being able to care for others who have been through what I have (or something similar). Shame can take a lot away from me, but I won't let it take that.

As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here

I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/

For some of my external writing on this topic, see:  
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