Yet very few people (including friends) have said anything to me about it. In many cases, it seems, people have stopped interacting with me altogether to avoid the issue. When they do interact with me, most pretend there's no issue at all. Meanwhile if someone suffers a physical health issue, people often spring into action with cards, gifts and offers of support (which isn't to say that we do a consistently good job of supporting those with physical health issues either, or that the response should necessarily be the same, but at least it seems that more people have some sense of what to do or say and fewer people respond by just ignoring the person and/or their circumstances....).
I get it. This is tough. But we have to do better: not only so we can support people we purport to care about but also so we can learn from them and create a better society in which people aren't stigmatized and discriminated against. Kind of important, IMO....
If you're one of those people who knows someone who may have experienced trauma and/or a mental health issue, and genuinely don't know what to say, here's my non-expert advice as someone who has grown to feel very alienated/isolated/stigmatized by my own experience.
1) Say something. Honestly the worst thing you can do, in my view, is act like someone doesn't exist, or pretend there's no issue even though they've been very open about it. By refusing to say anything at all you're reinforcing the message that there's something shameful about what they're experiencing. Please don't do this. It's not nice and can be profoundly harmful to someone who may already be struggling with a great deal of shame and stigma.
2) Start simple. Use your "not knowing what to say" as an opportunity to engage humbly with the person and learn from them what they might need or want from you. A simple, "How are you doing?" goes a long way. Or maybe, "I know you're going through something difficult and I have to admit I don't have much knowledge about this. Is there any way I can support you?"
3) Remember: they're still the same person you knew before. If you really don't feel comfortable addressing the issue directly, at least treat them like a human being. "Hello." or "Want to get a coffee sometime?" are all icebreakers that work just fine. You can still treat them like a normal person whom you know and care about. You can still reach out about your shared history and interests. They haven't magically transformed into something wholly different.
4) Put some effort into educating yourself about what they're going through. Plenty of resources exist, right at our fingertips. We know how to research. Start perhaps by learning more about trauma (if that's the issue) and what it means to become more trauma-informed. If there's a mental health condition involved, learn what that particular condition may involve and what it doesn't. There are all kinds of reputable resources available. It may seem like a lot of work but so many people experience trauma and mental health related issues that not only will you be improving your ability to speak to the person in question, you will also be enhancing your relational competence and awareness in a way that will help you understand and support others in the future. If the person is really close to you, or you are in a position of power and authority and have an obligation to get it right, then consider consulting with professionals (and getting some emotional support for your own needs).
--Here's an example (which I haven't vetted) of what you might find if you do a three second google search (search terms: "How to support a friend with PTSD?"): https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm. See how easy this is? I suggest reading a few different sources to be a good researcher (luckily, as professionals, we know how to research, right?) and don't forget to keep in mind how a person's experiences may be impacted by the intersecting ways in which they experience marginalization, so please be sure to adapt your research accordingly. Genuine interest/curiosity is an asset.
5) No matter what research you do, never forget that each person is an individual. What you learn via your own research can guide you and give you some context for what they might be experiencing but never allow that to override or prevent you from listening to their own expression of their needs and experiences. If they seem interested in speaking about the issue, listen to what they say and learn from them. If they seem interested in sharing their experiences, invite them to participate in situations where these issues are being discussed, especially if their interests are directly affected. Treat them like the intelligent autonomous individuals that they are (as I touched on here).
As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here
I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/
For some of my external writing on this topic, see:
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166
- https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240
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