Silence and Stigma

(Note: please also see my follow up post on this issue here: https://traumaandlawyersmentalhealth.blogspot.com/2019/08/silence-caution-and-self-care.html)

I posted a blog entry on Friday for the first time speaking up openly about the fact that I have a significant personal trauma history that has deeply affected me to the point of resulting in a health diagnosis that has required me to take some time away from my work for the first time ever to address. (https://traumaandlawyersmentalhealth.blogspot.com/2019/08/my-story-sort-of-but-also-not-really.html)

It was a small step in some ways since I wasn't revealing any personal details of my trauma history, but it was still incredibly difficult and painful for me to take. For so long I have hesitated to share even that much, for fear of what people might think. Would I be regarded as less of a professional? As less worthy of being here? Would my friends see me differently? So naturally I fearfully braced myself for the reaction, whatever it might be.

But here's the thing I wasn't prepared for: there was almost no reaction. Even from longtime friends, with just a very few exceptions, nothing was said. It was like it didn't happen. Across all forums, even upon re-posting on a more convenient day....tumbleweeds....

This is an uncomfortable post because I was not expecting or demanding any particular reaction, nor am I shaming anyone for not responding. It's summer. People have other things going on in their lives. People prefer a social media diet of cute animal memes and funny anecdotes. Many people may not even have seen it. Let it go. Don't take it personally.  I fear it must seem unbelievably bratty and attention-seeking for me to even be raising the issue. No one has a claim on other people's time and energy and I know I had no right to expect people to react in any way.

To be clear, I don't think anyone is being unkind. I'm not criticizing anyone at all. I'm just using this experience and what it felt like for me as an occasion to reflect on this issue in a general way.

But here's the thing: a near total lack of response is exactly the response I should have anticipated and I need to talk about it.  Silence on this issue has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Not only my own feeling of needing to be silent but my sense of the social contract that such things are not permitted to be talked about in polite or professional company. That same sense of enforced silence pervades this issue when important discussions are taking place regarding mental health in our profession: the possibility of personal trauma playing a role is almost always simply ignored, even though it is statistically certain to have played a major role in many cases. It was this concern about silence that motivated me to create this blog in the first place.

The message conveyed by the need for silence has devastating effects for the sense of stigma I already feel: people like me shouldn't exist here or should at least have the decency to not disrupt the tranquility and usual order of things by making these discussions complicated and messy. People don't like negativity. What I have to say about my own lived experience and health issues is too unpleasant or uncomfortable for other people to face or want to spend time addressing.

Yet here's what I have long sensed to be true. It isn't just about people avoiding sad topics. If you post about a death in the family or of a beloved pet, that is incredibly sad and tragic but people will generally be supportive and acknowledge your loss. So it isn't just about avoiding sad feelings. It is about the subject matter.

I'm not saying that everyone has the same bad experience when they speak about trauma as I'm having. I'm also not saying that I'm surrounded by unkind people. I love my friends and find them very compassionate. When my cat passed away very recently, there was no shortage of very kind sentiments and I was deeply moved by the support of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances.

When it comes to trauma, I have always known that it was different from other topics, at least for me. I have never been allowed to talk about it in either serious or casual conversation, and whenever I have tried the result has generally been an uncomfortable silence. Yet that silence has harmed me more than I can say, so I'm no longer willing to acquiesce to it, either as a member of this profession or as a person within social relationships. I'm going to keep speaking out even if it causes my pain to worsen because there is no real alternative for me any longer. Knowing that I can't speak openly about my own life the way many others can has caused me to feel isolated and stigmatized for far too long. Apparently speaking out doesn't make the isolation or stigma disappear (for me at least), but now that I've started it's not possible for me to stop. So I'm not telling anyone that they have to react or how to react, but please at least try to understand that being sent the message that you're not allowed to be visible for who you are and what you've endured is a source of great harm. So please consider that when you are making decisions about what you are prepared to spend time and energy on. We are all stressed and we all want to do what we can to survive and we all want to expose ourselves to things that make us feel positive and light, but we need to try to find a way not to preserve our own well-being at the expense of others' visibility and inclusion.

I get it. I'm at the limits of what I can endure a great deal of the time. But at the same time, I know that I have to make a conscious effort not to let my own sense of struggle lead to me blocking out or being unwilling to hear and engage with the uncomfortable truths and lived experiences of those around me (re the impact of racialization, marginalization, etc.). I'm not perfect at it but I try my best because ignoring these issues is not an option even when it makes us uncomfortable or feels "triggering." It's not optional because there are people whom we should care about who have no choice but to live with the consequences of some very unpleasant realities that we may not wish to face. I'm asking that we face these difficult truths in relation to these issues and also for trauma (both on its own and as it intersects with other issues).

I understand the quest for levity and positive thinking to help us cope with the very real stress we all face (life is so damn hard for so many of us, with or without trauma, I know), but let's not exclude difficult conversations and realities from our discourse, just because we find them too uncomfortable.

If it's just me that people don't wish to engage with, that's okay. I get that. Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way. Maybe there's just something wrong with me to which people can't relate (a real fear I have and something I often wonder about). But if it's the subject matter, then we have to try to do better and I can't stop speaking out since I know there are others trapped in this same silence and I'm not willing to stop trying to let them know that they aren't alone.

I should add, to be fair, that there are wonderful friends that I can speak to in private on occasions when I ask for support so I'm not entirely alone. I'm very grateful for their kindness, although the issue with silence has had a major impact on many of my personal relationships as well. I'm not saying that no one has been supportive to me. I'm here addressing in a general sense the experience of speaking up more openly, and the reluctance there seems to be to engage in a more open way on this issue.

And with that said, I will sit back and peacefully await the silence. At least this time I am prepared for it and I also know that I'm not going to let it stop me. I will keep raising my voice even if--for now, at least--it is for the most part only into a lonely void.

As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here

I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/

For some of my external writing on this topic, see:  

• https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166 
• https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health    
• https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240