I'm having a really bad day. One of those days where it's tough to look on the bright side (almost intentionally not a strength of mine even on the best of days, I'll admit).
So from that perspective of profound self-avowed negativity, I have a few things to say.
To the extent that I aim to be an advocate for anything through this blog, I would say generically that my goal is to be a voice* for those who suffer and might be regarded by others as negative in doing so if they allow that suffering to be too visible. Not just those who have ups and downs. But those whose suffering is often too ugly or challenging for society in general and our profession in particular to comfortably face.
My particular subject matter here is trauma and its impact on mental health. I've seen trauma destroy lives for as long as I can remember. More importantly, I've watched people refuse to hear about it, refuse to address it, and attempt to render invisible those who suffer from it (usually succeeding in doing so). And I've also been on the receiving end of being made to feel that I'm not allowed to be visible for who I am and where I come from. That my experiences are not acceptable to share in polite and/or professional company. That I'm welcome to be here but only if I hide who I am, because who I am would somehow be harmful and disruptive to those around me.
What motivates me in speaking up finally rather than sulking silently about all this is my refusal to be okay with how we tend to treat those who suffer (from trauma, from racialization, from un-accommodated disability, from mental health conditions, etc.) as if they should stay mostly out of sight and not disturb the peace and tranquility of ordinary civilization except when given a highly self-contained socially acceptable window in which to do so: So that others don't have to feel the full weight and force of the unfairness and cruelty of it all. So that their tranquility and optimism can be preserved and they can just have a manageable dose of it here and there when they feel up for it.
I actually get it. Life is hard for everyone. But my aim is to push those boundaries, not by forcing people to face more ugly truths than they can handle, but by encouraging people to make an active effort to expand their own capacity to truly look upon the suffering of others even when it's difficult. In my probably-not-so-novel view, the ability to do this is a muscle that needs to be exercised (or it will atrophy) and my aim is to urge people to start moving themselves in that direction.
And I'll add this. I'm by no means perfect at it so I extend that challenge to myself as well. Life has been really difficult for me in many ways but, if I'm being truly honest with myself, I recognize that there are still many privileges and comforts that I find myself tempted to cling to and hide behind, which could easily render the suffering of others invisible. So I strive to do my best to challenge myself (and welcome others challenging me) even when my own suffering feels like almost too much to handle. I no doubt fail at this often and get defensive sometimes, but I never want to give up on trying.
So in that sense, I embrace my negativity, and am inherently suspicious of positivity that comes too easily. Not because I don't want to see the beauty in the world (which certainly does exist), but because I don't want to do so at the expense of those whose pain can not so easily be cast aside (a category I often find myself belonging in). And I have faith that if we can just teach ourselves to sit with the scary and unsettling realities that surround us and afflict ourselves and others, then perhaps we will see a new kind of beauty and meaning in the solidarity we can have with others who suffer. Something we pushed away before because we thought we couldn't handle it.
For me personally, I do strive to take a soft approach and emphasize compassion rather than pushing anyone to see the world the way I do. So for me this isn't a big angry grumpy post. But I'm going to continue embracing and learning from my negativity, and sharing it with others who might otherwise try to pretend it doesn't exist (in either themselves or those around them). In that sense, yes, I am negative and proud of it because I will not stop trying to make suffering more visible, even if it disrupts the positivity of others.
That concludes my Friday rant. I promise to be in a better mood the next time I write something. Have a super-positive long weekend filled with sunshine and cottages. = )
*Note added May 24, 2020: when I say I aim to "be a voice" for those who suffer, I don't mean it in a way that suggests I wish to speak for everyone (or anyone). Rather, I aim to be a voice that helps--in whatever small and humble way I can--make space for others to raise their own voices and have those voices heard (which may be similar to mine in some ways, and different in others). It's never my aim to speak for others (unless they ask me to and wish me to).
As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here
I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/
For some of my external writing on this topic, see:
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166
- https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240
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