1. Hold a purring cat to your ear: It's a scientific fact: cat purrs are very healing. I happen to have an adorable kitty-cat with an extra loud and enthusiastic purr. When I'm feeling stressed I can cuddle him up against my ear, and it soothes me. Please note, however, that different cats purr differently and mine happens to be a superstar (he could win a gold medal if there were a purring category in the Kitty Olympics!), so I can't promise that all kitties' purrs will do the trick to the same degree. Also, we don't want to stress out or traumatize our kitty-friends, so attempt this self-care tip only if you have a highly tolerant cat who is already very comfortable with you and won't be upset by the exercise (FYI, speaking from experience, I can say that being scratched in the face is not great for self-care)....Note: if you don't have a kitty to cuddle, I highly recommend adopting one or two from your local animal shelter. Saving a life is also good for self-care. Or if you're not in a position to adopt, you could always volunteer to hang out with the kitties or temporarily foster one until the kitty finds a permanent loving home.
2. Have a go-to list songs that can help pull you out of particular unhealthy emotional states: For me, music is magic. The right song on repeat can save me from the worst mood, but I need to know which ones to reach for ahead of time. I've therefore created playlists specifically for this purpose that I update regularly. Sometimes you'll want a cheerful song to lift your spirits and tell you everything will be okay (ideally something you can dance and sing along to). For me, ABBA's Chiquitita works for this purpose. But, other times, when things are especially bleak, the last thing you want is some gaslighting syrupy BS about how everything is going to be okay. What helps me in those moments when I don't believe ABBA that "[I] will dance again and the pain will end" is a suitably bleak song about how nothing is okay and may never be again, but that conveys empathy for people who are suffering with no real hope of getting better. That way, even when nothing can convince you in that moment that things are going to get better, you can imagine a compassionate presence with you who feels for your suffering and wants you to hang on. Even if you aren't able to be convinced that your suffering will end, you can at least feel a sense of meaning and solidarity with others who suffer. I recently discovered this Peter Gabriel song and have heavily leaned on it in the past couple months. In fact, I'm not sure how I could have survived without it. It's incredibly dark (written about political prisoners in the 1980's, I think) but filled with a sense of compassion and solidarity (I can't explain how much it has helped me to hear Peter Gabriel sing in his persuasively compassionate voice: "Let your spirit stay unbroken. May you not be deterred. Hold on."). For another mood, when feeling very insecure due to imposter syndrome, I turn to this song, and find it cathartic to sing loudly along with Ben Folds about what a loser I feel like ("I'm a loser. I'm a poser. Yeah, really. It's over. I mean it and I quit. Everything I write is shit."). On a more practical note, when I need to be reminded to eat healthy foods, I dance around to this fun Animaniacs song. The point is different songs work for different moods, and knowing which ones will work for you can help.
3. Hang out with an affectionate but poorly trained pup or two: Unlike with people, who really should respect your boundaries, I find that my self-care is best-served by cuddling with the worst-behaved dogs who lavish affection on me whether I want it or not. Thankfully, my two adorable rescue dogs, who are both not as well trained as they should be (my fault, not theirs), are ultra-pushy about affection. The old hound mix nudges my hand constantly and head butts me to demand that I pet him. My cocker spaniel leaps into my lap without warning, places both paws on my shoulder, and licks my face while I try to dodge him. The best part about their lack of boundaries is that they interrupt bad moods with their unasked-for affection and seem to have an intuition about the best times to do so. Also their excessive ill-mannered enthusiasm is especially endearing. I'm sure a well-trained dog would be good for self-care too, but honestly I'll take an overly enthusiastic one lacking in boundaries any day (note: this is okay for dogs, not humans, for obvious reasons). See note under tip #1 re what to do if you don't have an adorable pup to hang out with...
4. Buy a decent USB microphone, and then make up your own songs and record them (even if you completely lack talent): I haven't done this in awhile, but one thing that used to work for me was to compose my own spontaneous freestyle a cappella songs. The idea wasn't to create something brilliant or get stressed out about the quality. It was just an exercise in creativity and emotional expression. I even created my own soundcloud page where I shared them (note the lack of a link here, as I won't subject any of you to my terrible singing). As another creative exercise, if you're not up for inventing your own lyrics, I also took some of my favourite classic poems and sang them to whatever melody happened to come to mind (added benefit: it helped me memorize the lyrics of many poems and now I sorta feel like a genius. I imagine it might work for singing important passages from legal cases too...). And I also sang terrible a cappella covers of some of my favourite songs. (The soundcloud page still exists but I won't share its location, even under threat of torture. Over the years, since 2007, it has managed to accumulate almost 39K plays, which consists 100% of bots, people who clicked accidentally and then wished they didn't, and family/friends who humoured me by listening when I first started making them).
5. Dance around clumsily in the dark: As far as I'm concerned, this works only if you have zero talent, grace, or coordination (but I might be biased since I lack all those qualities). Play your favourite songs in a dark room, and just move however feels right for you (feel free to do kicks and leaps as if you are a graceful figure skater, but, if you're like me, you might want to make sure the room is fully dark or hide the mirrors because it won't be as graceful as it feels and it might kill your mood to catch a glimpse of your actual movements...)
6. Exploring your self-image via selfies: I hesitate to share this one, because selfies get an unfair reputation, especially for women. I've struggled with self-image issues for as long as I can remember. I hate getting my photo taken a lot. But I discovered years ago that there's a power to selfies. The goal isn't realism. It's control. You can take 99 terrible photos that make you want to cry and then delete them all upon finding just one that you actually feel okay looking at. Find the right lighting, or these days the right snapchat filter, if that's what it takes to enable you to feel okay about looking at yourself. Wear as much or as little makeup as you want. Crop it however you want. Be self-absorbed. Be silly. Make whatever facial expressions feel right or fun for you. Play around with different looks and personas. Personally, I'm sick of the shaming women and girls are often subjected to for their use of selfies: my view is that there's no shame in exploring your own appearance, however you please, and there's power in affirming this in defiance of the haters. On the other hand, I don't doubt that selfies can also be unhealthy for some people, so make your decision about whether to use them, depending on how it makes you feel. If it works for you to explore, then do it. If not, then use the camera for photos of your ill-mannered affectionate pups and purring cats. It's all good = )
7. BABY BATS! The closest thing I've ever found to a cure for my PTSD? Baby bats!!! In my worst states, I can watch videos of orphaned baby bats and sometimes the cuteness overload will magically reset my brain and all will be right with the world again. SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THEM! The world can't be bad with baby bats and the lovely people who rescue them in it.
8. Helping others: https://traumaandlawyersmentalhealth.blogspot.com/2020/03/self-care-in-reverse.html
Closing Comment: The point of the above isn't to suggest that my little tricks will work for you, nor are they a replacement for the more evidence-based self-care and mental health interventions. It's just to show some of what helps me in my more difficult moments and to encourage any of you to feel free to try them if you think they might also help you, but more importantly to think about and have your own strategies for helping yourself through difficult times in your own unique ways.
As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here
I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/
For some of my external writing on this topic, see:
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166
- https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240
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