We're told that self-care is important. We're told that we should learn to care for ourselves before caring for others. But if the feeling isn't there, is this advice really useful? What good is it for me to put my own mask on before assisting others, if my own mask is full of holes?
So here's the only thing I've found that saves me in those darker moments--and it is completely the opposite of that advice. When I'm feeling most down on myself, it helps me to be there for others in as many ways as I can. Nothing helps me more. I never feel depleted by it. I feel energized by the sense of connection and purpose.
In fact, it's one of the worst things about suffering as openly as I have. Friends seem to hesitate to ask me for advice and support in the way they may have in the past. It's not just that they aren't supporting me. I've lost my chance to experience being in a supportive role to those I've cared about. I used to treasure and value that aspect of my friendships. I felt I was good at being there for my friends when they needed to vent about or think through a tough problem, involving a relationship or work situation.
Fortunately, however, through my advocacy, I've encountered a few people via social media who truly "get it," who're struggling themselves, and we are there for each other, which gives me a chance to be supportive to others again (in addition to being supported myself), albeit from three time zones away.
This means a lot to me. Even in my darker moments, I never doubt that other people have value. It always means something to me to be able to help someone else, even if only in some small way.
That's not to say that I'm advocating for people to overextend themselves and give more than they can. My ability to give to others is in fact very limited at times, just as my ability to do things for myself may be, particularly when I have a lot of responsibilities that must be carried out and I often have nothing left in me after attending to them.
What I am saying is there's huge value in finding small ways, big ways, or any ways to be there for, be kind to, or be helpful to others, even when we can't be kind to ourselves.
If we can't put our own mask on, if our own mask is broken, it still gives a great sense of satisfaction to use what energy we have to reach out and help someone else with theirs.
And it may even save us.
In my darkest moments, I feel I haven't added value to the world. Nothing can persuade me otherwise. I have an answer for everything as to why x,y,z that I've accomplished doesn't really count.
But then sometimes comes an answer that means everything: from someone I care about, from someone I know counts, I hear those magic words, "But you've helped me."
Don't get me wrong. The darkness in my brain can still argue with that. Maybe they're just trying to make me feel better. Maybe if I hadn't helped them, someone else would have. Maybe they had it within them all along and didn't really need me.
BUT what I can't say in those moments is that accomplishment, if true, doesn't count. If I've really been of service to someone in some small way, that is something real. I will never say to that person, "But helping you doesn't matter." It does and it's everything.
My own mask may still be broken, but in that moment, it's like someone else is offering me theirs.
I can breathe. I can see meaning. I can see a kind of value that even the bleakest parts of me can't discount.
So I advocate for self-care if you can do it. But self-care doesn't have to be an isolating solitary activity: a major part of self-care can be caring for others. It's not wrong to prioritize that if that's what truly matters to you, if that's what helps you breathe.
As I've said before, even when we can't love ourselves and be there for ourselves, it doesn't have to be the end of the story. If we can't put our own masks on, we can help each other do so.
My advice based on my personal experience: If you can't be kind to yourself, one of the most healing things can be to extend the kindness you possess, but can't personally access, to others. If you can avoid it, don't stay in the dark room alone hoping that the spark of self-love will appear. Share in the warmth of kindness in whatever way you can, and maybe someday it will spark something for you too.
And if someone has helped you, tell them so. You could be giving them the strength they need to continue along a difficult path.
As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here
I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/
For some of my external writing on this topic, see:
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166
- https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240
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