Trauma and Lawyers’ Mental Health: Imposter

There's a lot of discussion about imposter syndrome in the legal profession.

I've been reflecting on it a lot lately because in some ways it fits me. But here's what I've realized: I don't have imposter syndrome. I'm actually an imposter.

The feeling that I don't belong in this profession doesn't come from some syndrome. It isn't a problem with my perception.

I don't belong in this profession because this profession wasn't designed for people like me to (1) exist (2) show who we are; and (3) be accepted, supported and appreciated for it.

So how to change this? Is the answer just to say "Be yourself!" "Don't let the profession dictate who you can be."

Um, sure, okay, maybe to some extent, and I'm certainly trying now more than ever, but let's get real.

Being able to be ourselves in an environment that requires interaction with other people doesn't just depend on us being authentic. It depends on those other people being willing to put the effort in to engage with us as such.

For those of us with background experiences and personal circumstances that significantly differ from the "norm" (the default assumptions about who we are or might be), this requires time, sensitivity and attention from those around us. In many instances, they will have to put in the effort to learn about us (by learning more about us as individuals and/or learning more about the groups to which we do or might belong) to truly see us because we are not generally visible as who we are. This would need to happen not only on an individual level in personal interactions but also on a systemic one so the structures/culture of the profession support us in being our true selves (or at least don't force us to surmount endless obstacles just to participate), and thereby allow us to truly belong (rather than pretend to fit in).

One complication for those of us with trauma histories is that it may not always be possible or feasible for us to truly share much, if anything, about what's going on with us, even when it affects our vital interests. I call it "the curse of being complicated" and plan to elaborate on it in a future post. Briefly, being inherently complicated for me means I can't share really important things that shape my perspective because (1) others often don't feel comfortable hearing them and erect boundaries to protect themselves from me simply sharing who I am and what I've been through. Maybe they think it's too personal or just "too much" for them to handle hearing (as I wrote about here); (2) It's complicated and couldn't be explained quickly or easily--it would require time and effort on others' part to hear it; and (3) It's highly personal so I may not feel comfortable sharing it all, and there may be personal consequences to me for doing so. I described some of the barriers to sharing our stories here and here.

Yet keeping it private (i.e., remaining invisible) has real consequences, since our needs, challenges, vulnerabilities and strengths may not be possible to understand properly without knowing what we have endured, have overcome, and are still facing. When those highly personal aspects of ourselves have become injured, it can damage us in so many ways, not the least of which (for me at least) is by isolating us from others who don't understand and aren't prepared to make the effort to learn about what we have been through.

So how do we address "imposter syndrome?" I don't know the answer, but we could start by asking about the extent to which it reflects something real rather than imagined. If we don't feel we belong, is it because we are in an environment that actually doesn't truly permit us to exist and thrive as who we are?

Maybe there are things we can do individually to minimize its impact on us, but let's not pretend we have individual control over it when we often don't. For "imposter reality" the only way to heal the feeling of not belonging is to change the profession itself so it allows people like us to truly be ourselves while also having our needs met and our contributions supported and respected.

So, no I don't have imposter syndrome. I am an imposter. I often have to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to function here. Even when I don't actively pretend, the invisible forces and default assumptions kick in to cover who I truly am.

I'd love for us all to get to know each other and start being our authentic selves, but that isn't something that's just going to happen through individual efforts. It isn't just a syndrome we each can cure.

So let's start talking, listening, strategizing and taking action so we can all have the benefit of belonging.

As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here

I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/

For some of my external writing on this topic, see:

Trauma and Lawyers’ Mental Health

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Imposter

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