That having been said, despite those potential benefits, the decision to speak out about one's own experiences (or not) can be very complicated, especially when trauma is involved. I don't have the answers about what anyone should do, but here are some of my own thoughts about why someone might feel reluctant or unable to be open about their own past history of trauma:
- People with a traumatic past may feel a lot of shame and self-blame. This is exacerbated by the fact that many types of trauma still have a great deal of stigma associated with them. It's not uncommon for people who disclose experiences of trauma to be retraumatized by unsupportive responses by those closest to them. These past experiences of unsupportive and/or damaging reactions can make a person all the more reluctant to expose themselves to potentially damaging responses again;
- Some people may not have fully addressed and healed from their trauma and may not wish to face their past by speaking about it or even acknowledging it to themselves. They may not have made the connection between their traumatic history and the mental or physical health challenges that affect them;
- People's histories of trauma might be lengthy and/or complicated. It might not be a simple or easy tale to share. It could span years or decades and include multiple events or types of trauma. They could still be sorting out for themselves how to put words to the experiences and properly name what they have been through. Also, in some cases, trauma survivors may not feel that they can share their stories without impacting others who were involved in the trauma. The trauma survivor may not be ready for a confrontation with a perpetrator that telling her story could bring. If there are others who were affected by the trauma (e.g., other victims, or other people closely connected to her who are part of her story), she may not feel it is her story alone to decide to share;
- Lawyers deal with people who have been traumatized and people alleged to have inflicted trauma on others. A lawyer with a personal history of trauma may fear drawing attention away from the excellent work she does on behalf of her clients or the public if she tells her own story (e.g., a sexual assault survivor who is also a dedicated criminal defence lawyer, representing clients who, inter alia, are accused of committing sexual offences, may fear that people would--wrongly--question her commitment to her client's cases if they knew her own history);
- Sadly, there is no guarantee that the response of colleagues, supervisors, workplaces, and the legal community to a disclosure will be helpful, kind and supportive. As far as I can tell, there are few resources out there specifically responsive to the issue of lawyers with personal trauma histories. In discourse about lawyers' mental health and resources directed to the issue, trauma is rarely even mentioned (apart from vicarious trauma which is thankfully being talked about more in recent years) despite the statistics about how prevalent trauma is in our society and the increased susceptibility to other mental health issues (including depression, anxiety, and addiction) for those with a personal trauma history . This silence can send the message that appropriate trauma-sensitive resources are lacking. Further, the inexplicable silence on such an important issue can appear to send the message that trauma survivors don't belong in the profession and the profession is not interested in hearing about or talking about such experiences, thereby reinforcing the culture of shame, stigma and secrecy that often prevails in relation to trauma;
- Some people have already healed from their trauma. They may not wish to revisit a time in which they were vulnerable and also may not wish to have people associate them with those terrible experiences from which they feel they have moved on; and
- Some people don't have proper supports in place to make difficult disclosures, even if they genuinely wish they could do so to help others and raise awareness. They may already be experiencing maximum stress levels simply in staying on top of their caseload and may not feel able to make the emotionally challenging decision to share their experiences.
For those struggling with this issue (wishing they could speak up to help change the culture, but feeling reluctant or unable to do so for the above or other reasons), I can't provide any answers. Those few who have courageously shared their stories have undoubtedly helped others immeasurably. But no one owes it to the world or to the profession to tell their story if they don't feel ready, able or inclined to do so. If someone is struggling to decide whether to share their own story, my hope is that they will carefully reflect on the pros and cons for them of doing so (ideally with the support of others, such as understanding and caring friends, family or colleagues, and/or helping professionals, such as a therapist). That said, it isn't for me to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't share or when or why, nor do I have the expertise to do so. It's a deeply personal decision.
Yet for those who hesitate or are afraid to share, perhaps there could be other options to enable them to help raise awareness and help others feel less alone. Perhaps providing an anonymous forum in which people can share as much or as little as they like without identifying information could assist. I have wondered if at some point this forum could develop into a place where that could be done. Perhaps an entry for "Personal Stories" in which people can submit their own description of how personal trauma has impacted their experience as a lawyer could be posted. It would give people a place to share their experiences (which could be as simple as saying, "yes, I'm a lawyer and I have a personal trauma history") while minimizing many of the fears above. Or perhaps this could be done in an entirely non-public forum (e.g., a completely confidential survey) and the information provided to those responsible for shifting the culture (e.g., employers, lawyers' assistance programs, regulatory bodies, etc.) simply to demonstrate that there is a real issue that is not being adequately addressed. Yet the reality is that some people may not feel ready or may not yet be able to disclose even in those ways, so we need to be mindful of the fact that the scope of the problem may not be able to be fully known.
This blog is still new and as I have said before still just at the experimental stage to see if there is any interest in addressing the issue. It may be that it simply fizzles out given my own inability to get the message out there, reach those affected, and provide a forum in which people wish to engage, even if the interest does exist. So we'll see. As always, I welcome any thoughts about how to accomplish these aims more effectively and what other steps might be taken. I also welcome any guest submissions for future posts (which could be attributed to the author by name or simply posted as "anonymous contributor" with or without some autobiographical information, e.g., "anonymous contributor/family lawyer," depending on preference and comfort level).
As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here
I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/
For some of my external writing on this topic, see:
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166
- https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240
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