The motivation is generally kind--to protect me from damage to my relationships and professional standing. Undoubtedly, some people are uncomfortable about these topics and would prefer not to have to acknowledge them. By being so open about it, I'm disrupting the usual order of things. Some people will judge me for that. Some people will avoid me. Some might dislike me.
I know all of this all too well, and always have. Sometimes the pain of it deeply affects me. Other times, I'm defiant and try not to care, but always I'm aware of it. There are no illusions here.
But here's the thing. I'm not okay with the usual order of things. I need and choose to talk about the ways in which I'm not okay.
Not because I think being open about it in my particularly raw and defiant way will help me. Not because I enjoy the attention (if anything, it brings me the wrong kind of attention and judgments). But because I know I'm not the only one who is not okay and I'm no longer okay with agreeing to remain in hiding and isolation.
So, yeah, I'm not okay. If I'm being honest, I've probably never been "okay" and possibly never will be. I come from a background in which many things are profoundly not okay in a way that never fully leaves you after you've lived through them and been exposed to them. That's been a part of my reality for as long as I can remember. Despite having "overcome" it in so many ultra-"resilient" ways, I carry it with me. I function in spite of it, but it's never far behind me. It's a permanent fixture in my life and history and I refuse to be ashamed of that. In addition to a substantial amount of suffering, it gives me compassion, empathy, wisdom and strength that I'm no longer willing to be silent about.
The other thing I know: I'm not the only one who isn't okay. I don't know how many others there are, but I know they're out there. Some I've met through my advocacy on this issue and I've found that it is an indescribable comfort to be able to communicate with others who "get it." Not only do we gain comfort from knowing each other, because we don't have to feel so alone, but we also get to see that the "not okay" are often the kindest, strongest, most amazing people on the planet and we realize there's no reason to hide who we are anymore even if some others may not get it.
Whether it's a small or large number, the "not okay" are my main audience. Those are the ones who may need to hear not only that "it's okay not to be okay," but also "Even when you're not okay, you're not alone. You're not broken. You can still contribute and be strong, amazing and full of light and power, all the while not being okay. You don't have to hide the parts of you that are suffering for the comfort of others. You can show the world your darkness so that they can understand your light."
So that's me: I'm here. I'm not okay. I'm trying to send a message to others who may similarly not be okay. We don't have to hide from each other. We don't have to hide from the world. If we want space to share what we're experiencing and advocate for a better understanding of the ways in which we and so many others have suffered and are suffering, we should be free to do so.
I'm not okay, but I'm here, and I'm refusing to surrender the space and visibility to which I'm entitled.
If you're not okay, I'm here for you. You aren't alone. You don't have to put yourself out there in the way that I do, but if you want to, I will stand with you in claiming the space and visibility to which you're entitled.
If we can't always be okay, maybe the next best thing is to be not okay together 💓.
As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here
I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/
For some of my external writing on this topic, see:
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/a-more-inclusive-discussion-on-the-impact-of-trauma-on-lawyers-mental-health-is-needed/276166
- https://www.cbabc.org/BarTalk/Articles/2020/February/Features/Speaking-Up-About-Trauma-and-Mental-Health
- https://www.canadianlawyermag.com/news/opinion/changing-the-conversation/326240
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