Friday, September 27, 2019

If You're Not Ready to Do It All, Then Do What You Can

As I keep repeating, I'm not a mental health professional. I make no claim to know what's best for anyone. But I can share what's helped me (a highly unique person who may not in any way resemble you). Please don't give it any more weight than that.

So with that caveat duly emphasized, I want to share a few words that may or may not be useful to others about an approach that has helped me.

First, I want to acknowledge that it often isn't easy to decide what kind of help to seek. Perhaps for some mental health conditions, there are clear treatment protocols (e.g., a particular medication or therapy) but this may not always be the case. As lawyers we know that even the most qualified professionals can disagree about the best approach to something. Mental health is a field where there are plenty of "experts," some of whom strongly disagree with each other. So when it comes to deciding how to get help, it's not unreasonable to apply our own critical thinking, to hear out what different experts have to say, assess the basis for their reasoning with due regard for their experience and qualifications, reflect on what feels right for us, and decide for ourselves (after fully informing ourselves) what we'd like to try. Thanks to our courtroom experience, we know the right questions to ask when deciding what approach we find most credible. Personally, it helped me to maintain my autonomy and trust my ability to assess what felt right for me. (Alternatively, we might opt for a leap of faith by finding a professional we trust and allowing them to guide us. I don't think either approach is wrong. We just need to do what works for us)

Second, I think we need to make allowances for the fact that we may have our own personal fears, hang-ups and limitations. That's what I'm going to address in this post. Sometimes, we know what we should do, but we truly feel that we just can't. It may be a symptom of a mental health condition, but that doesn't make it any less real for us. The first point I'd make is that, of course, if you can overcome these fears and limitations, by all means do what you need to and seek the help you need.

But as one human to another, I'm here to address how you might approach your situation if you know what you need but you just can't do it. Maybe it all just feels like too much and you aren't ready.

I raise this scenario because this is exactly what I was facing when I first decided to reach out for some help. I had a lot of well-founded concerns, along with many unreasonable fears (that were nevertheless very real for me). There were several treatment approaches I absolutely didn't feel able to try, the very same things that well-meaning people would be inclined to push on me. In some instances, I was disinclined to try things because, having done my research, I had concerns and reservations about a particular intervention, but other times, I wasn't able to try even if I knew something might help me because I just couldn't. The fear was too great. And the harm of being forced to do it would cause a whole other set of problems for me. So I was kind of stuck.

So if that sounds like you, I can tell you what has helped me. If you can't do everything you feel you should, just start by identifying what that leaves you with, and do what you can for now.

Perhaps in the beginning you won't be ready to reach out at all, but maybe you could start the process by doing those small things you can to make it easier for you to seek help when you do feel ready (e.g., keeping a folder of research into potentially viable treatment options even if you aren't ready to pursue them; or looking at websites of mental health professionals to decide which ones feel safest to you even if you aren't ready to see one and don't know if you ever will be). Then maybe you might find that you reach a point where you're ready to just have one or two conversations with a professional who can offer you some advice and support. So if you can do that, feel free to just take that one small step without feeling the need to commit to anything else. Maybe there are small lifestyle changes you can make (e.g., meditation, yoga, reduced hours of work) to ease the pressure on yourself, even if you aren't ready to have a larger-scale strategy. Just do what you can.

The way I thought of it when I first started on this path was that I was simply creating tools for myself that I could use later if I was ever ready (much like packing a bag to use if you ever have to flee your home in a disaster--in the beginning, all I saw myself doing was packing the bag and planning my possible exit strategy, even if I wasn't yet able to change my surroundings, despite the fact that my metaphorical house was already on fire).

If you're like me, maybe taking those small steps will help you. Maybe with each step you'll feel a bit stronger and then you can reassess what else you might be able and willing to try.

The reality is that I'm still stuck in the sense that I feel unable to pursue most of the options that are recommended for me, but I find that because I accept those limitations and strategize how to do what I can despite them, I'm increasingly able to identify what I can do, and build on those small steps (which have helped me immensely). I'm still in the burning house but now I've picked myself up off the floor with less panic than I was experiencing before and started looking in the direction of the door with a few more tools than I had before to help me get out safely. It may not sound like a lot and it isn't a cure, but sometimes those small steps can be everything.

So if your house is on fire and you're too afraid to flee, please do whatever you can to reach out to someone who can help you get out the door asap. But if you just can't, that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. You might not be able to escape now, but you can do what you can to make your situation more tolerable and increase your chance of success when you are ready.

As always, please note that I am a lawyer, not a mental health professional of any kind. I have no expertise in trauma or mental health. Also, please note that any opinions and views expressed in this blog are solely my own and are not intended to represent the views or opinions of my employer in any way. For more information about the purpose of this blog, please see here and for a bit more information about my personal perspective on this issue, please see "my story" here

I am very grateful to have received a "Clawbie" Award for this blog (which reflects the importance of this topic): https://www.clawbies.ca/2019-clawbies-canadian-law-blog-awards/

For some of my external writing on this topic, see:  

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